I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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