laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
