I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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