I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
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Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
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Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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