..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
