She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
