I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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