9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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