If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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