oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
