Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
