He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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