im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
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then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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