Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
