so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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