It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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