Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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