The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
