Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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