Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
