You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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