Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
