how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
