someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
