you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
