Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
