I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
