I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Let's get the cat blown out
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
