god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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