I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
