She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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