could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
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We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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