If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
