Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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