you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
