I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
