i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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