Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
