On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
