The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
