I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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