OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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