I just saw a hot homeless man
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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