Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
