i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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