Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
