I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
