Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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