The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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