Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
