There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
