I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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