i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
