OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
