Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
