oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
