i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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