I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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