the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
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I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
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i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Couch. On fire.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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