Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
